The Big Fish

Saturday, the Men's Ministry at our church decided to do a deep sea fishing trip. 40 of us adventured out into the open sea with nothing to guide us except a highly sophisticated GPS system, perfect weather, and an expert crew of fish gurus. After my early morning funk had worn off and the 5th cup of coffee settled nicely into my veins, I began to take in the fresh ocean breeze and that great primordial sense that I had become the hunter. I, along with my fraternity would conquer these giant Marlins that I had read about in Hemingway.

And then I stepped onto the boat. Minutes later, I was curled into a fetal position on the deck of that "vessel from Hell" as I attempted to keep the 5 cups of coffee from returning to the fresh ocean air. I prayed hard, asking God to calm the rough waters (the deck hand later told me that the water was the calmest it has been in weeks). After spending some time hanging limply over the side of the boat I crawled down into the hull to see if I might be able to forget the agony with some sleep. And so I slept.

Soon, above me, I could hear the shouts of excitement from those who had caught the "big one". Again and again fish were being caught without me. So I dragged myself up to the deck, grabbed my rod (with quite the panache I might say) and hefted my bait over the side to attempt to regain my manly hunter self. Over and over, my attempts were for not as one particular family who shall remain nameless (Schramms) kept bringing in enormous fish from the sea.

And then, as I had almost given up, I noticed that half my line had been taken out to sea. I got so excited I shouted out "I got one... [under breath - "Thank you, Jesus"] ... I got one." I looked around to make sure everyone knew that I got one. My attention was pulled back to the fish when one of the deck hands grabbed me and said, "Well you gotta reel it in first." Oh!

So I cranked and cranked, pulling Moby in. He walked me around the entirety of the boat, working me, faking me out, draining my resources. I fought as no man before me had. I was fighting for my manhood. I was fighting for men everywhere.

Finally, I began to pull him closer, reeling him out of the water. Oh, what a beauty - must be the biggest fish yet. The deck hand grabbed him and then handed me my prize. I held it aloft with such prize, showing it to all around me. I even found myself asking for someone to take my picture.

The deck hand asked me, "Do you want to keep him, he's not very big." In my head I'm thinking, "Is this guy daft? This thing is huge." But, I acted very cooly and responded, "Yeah, I'm sure I could do something with it." I was so proud. Of course, in this whole process I had missed 4 other catches by others, whose fish were twice the size of mine. Heck, I could have caught a minnow and I would have been in Heaven.

Only my dramatic self could have turned this into an existential battle. In a day, I gained, lost, and gained again my manhood (whatever that is). By the way, I'm now changing my name to Ahab.